Since April Fool’s Day is upon us – we would like to present you with the Ten Plots on True Blood that should have been considered April Fool’s jokes…on us, the FANS!!
Which plots were total and complete jokes? Read on!
Nymerias and I came up with the reasons why these jokes in particular – weren’t very funny to us.
Maryann – The Kinky Maenad
From serving heart casseroles to hosting backyard orgies…Maryann was the perfect excuse for a sick and perverted joke. She controlled the minds of almost everyone in Bon Temps and made them do things they normally wouldn’t ever do – like cutting off their own fingers with garden shears. A home decorator she was not…it took Sookie how long to get her house back to normal? She wasn’t all bad…she was the first person who sparked Sookie’s fairy anger and we discovered that Sookie wasn’t just a telepath afterall. Most fans hated this storyline, and by the time Maryann tried marrying herself to her raging bull oops, God (who was really Sam in the shape of a white bull), we were more than ready to help see her packing on a permanent honeymoon away from Bon Temps.
Ifrit – The Smoke Monster
Truebies who were fans of “Lost” felt a sense of déjà vu when True Blood decided to have a smoke monster too. Ifrit was what they decided to call it…what kind of name was that? This smoke monster was out for revenge on Terry and his army buddies who were involved in the killing of civilians during the war in Iraq. We felt bad for Terry, but the joke ended up being not only on us – but on his buddy Patrick, who kindly sacrificed his own life in order to save not only Terry and Arlene – but us as well from this hazy joke.
Festival of Tolerance
In an effort to appear politically correct, King Bill tried convincing the public that vampires really weren’t as bad as humans thought; aka – damage control. Unfortunately for them (and for us), Marnie and her newly brainwashed lethal weapon, Amnesic Eric crashed the party. Why was this a cruel joke? Because it was hard to believe that our favorite Viking vampire, Eric Northman could be controlled by anybody – let alone a witch. The other joke on us was when Eric was this close to killing Bill (something most of us wanted), when Sookie didn’t even think first before using her microwave fingers and shot Eric. He could’ve been killed for all we know! The only bright side to this scene was when Eric flashbacked to his life, in a ‘Best of True Blood’ highlight reel…to reveal he remembered everything that happened before – including falling in love with and having passionate, multi-positioned sex with Sookie.
The Billith Rises
This shouldn’t surprise any of you…of course Billith (formerly known as Bill Compton) made this list. Bill would have made this list regardless, because he’s well…Bill. After drinking Lillith’s blood (aka. Kool Aid) and saying some harsh, painful – but truthful words to Sookie where he revealed what a douche bag he is…he turned into goo. Now comes the punch line…he rose up naked, covered in blood, screeching like a pterodactyl and looking like a giant bloody tampon! Haha…get it? He really should have stayed goo…that’s why this joke’s on us instead. Damn. When most of the fandom; including True Blood HBO have a nickname picked out for him mere hours after the season finale ended…you know this is the perfect True Blood styled joke. Hopefully, someone will shove this tampon up where the sun don’t shine in season 6, or will this end up being another sick and twisted joke as well? Time will tell…
Sookie’s Finale Brushoff
We probably still think this one is the biggest, most cruel and stupidest jokes of all time on True Blood. At least, I don’t think too many of us around here think this one is funny. After spending most of season 4 falling in love with Eric, Sookie realized (thanks to having some of Bill’s blood), she suddenly still loved Bill, even though he is the lowest creep imaginable. WTF? Where’s the punchline? I don’t get it. Eric told her he still remembered. He was still the same man and wanted to know if she loved him? Yes, she answered…BUT (this word is the most annoying word as you may recall) she still loved Bill. REALLY? Why? After finding out how he betrayed her and discovering how great, sweet and awesome Eric is…she STILL loves Bill? We can take some comfort in the fact that she didn’t choose Bill either…she choose herself, which I do admire Sookie for deciding not to rely on any man – but after everything Eric has ever done for her – she still tossed his feelings back in his face. I felt really bad for Eric. It was no wonder in season 5, he started off the season saying, “Fuck Sookie”. This scene does have one punchline we can appreciate. You know those magazine articles where they compare fashions and ask, “who wore it best?” With Eric and Bill’s matching robes in this scene…you really can compare the two of them. We’d have to say…Eric won this one – hand’s down. Bill looks like a joke compared to him.
MARNIE AKA THE WITCH THAT NEVER WAS A WITCH
When I first heard of this storyline, I thought ‘oh this could be good’ but it turned out to be much ado about nothing. When Marnie became possessed by a Spanish speaking witch that was raped, fed on and burned by members of the Catholic Church (vampires no less), I thought this is it? This is the season 4 big bad! What a joke! No offense, Fiona Shaw! MUAH! NEXT!
The(SUPPOSED)FAIRY (MORE LIKE CHILD)ELDER
This fairy was supposed to be all-knowing and powerful but all she really did was talk in riddles and dance around like a fruitcake! Russell sent her packing into fairy dust before she could whip out her ‘White Fairy Light of Doom’ fast enough! Bye Coco from Fame!! The joke was definitely on us here! I was left with more questions than answers. NEXT!!
THE LAND OF THE LOST AKA FAIRYLAND
When we first saw Sookie get transported to the land of the fairies via the portal that was Claudine, we assumed it would be magical and beautiful and it was as long as you continued to partake of the light fruit! I was hoping it would stay that way for a bit but no what we got was an actual scene straight out of ‘Land of the Lost’
THE FAILED CHANGE AND RAPE OF JASON
This was by far one of the worst things I have ever seen on True Blood and that is saying something. I not only thought it was one big joke but that it was not taken as seriously as it should have been. I was really offended by this scene as Jason did not deserve it and to top it all off , he did not even become a werepanther!
BILL/SOOKIE HATE SEX
Along with what happened to Jason, this really took the cake for me too! Sookie, after nearly being drained of all her blood by Bill, goes and has sex with the animal. I know this is a TV show but no respectful woman does this, IMO. Oh, how our eyes had to endure this scene! Again,the joke was on us!!
Hope you enjoyed reading what we think was our April Fool’s: True Blood Style jokes. What do you think? Do you have any others you’d like to share? Feel free to sound off below!